


In A Crowded Room

by orphan_account



Series: SPN Writing Challenge [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Ambiguous Relationships, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, M/M, Thoughts of Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-01
Updated: 2016-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-17 14:35:06
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5874328
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“It’s weird how, even in a room full of people, crowded to bursting, you can still be completely alone."</p>
            </blockquote>





	In A Crowded Room

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the [SPN Writing Challenge](http://spnwritingchallenge.tumblr.com) January 2016 "abstract nouns"-themed prompt "loneliness." 
> 
> This fic is sort of a reflection on how my worse days go, and since loneliness plays a big part in my own depression, I felt it apt to write a little something on it. I'm not totally happy with how it came out, but I'm too tired to rewrite it a tenth time.

_People all around, and I'm still alone in a crowded room._

 

 

Charlie’s party is in full swing at this point. The music is up so loud people have to shout to be heard standing next to each other, and raucous laughter filters through every once in a while as sobriety levels fall, inhibitions loosened on spiked punch.

Jimmy’s head is pounding almost as hard as the bass. He presses closer to the wall away from his classmates, trying to find a spot to breathe. It’s crowded everywhere, nearly two hundred bodies spread throughout the modern two-story. Charlie had said it was open invite, but he hadn’t expected their entire senior class to show up. Juniors, too – he’s pretty sure he saw Kevin Tran hiding out on the computer in the game room.

Maybe he should take a note out of Kevin’s book, he thinks dismally. He’d shown up with Dean nearly two hours ago, when it wasn’t so full, but had since been left to his own devices next to the china cabinet. Several more of his friends have managed to say hi, but all of them have gone to hang out with other friends, leaving him alone.

_Always alone. Because no one actually wants to be around you._

_You’re not worth their time._

Downing what remains of his punch, Jimmy pushes through the bodies of his classmates around him to the kitchen. He throws the plastic SOLO cup away and makes his way out of the kitchen to the stairs. He hopes the quite of upstairs will help his headache; the area right behind his eyes has begun to throb in time with the music.

While it certainly is quieter upstairs, it’s no less occupied, and Jimmy stumbles through three different couples going at it in the guest rooms before finally finding one that isn’t already taken. It’s Charlie’s room, and he breathes a long sigh as he slumps against the door. He can still hear the music from downstairs, but it’s muted now, not quite as all-encompassing.

He sits for a long moment, just breathing, before pushing himself off the floor and walking to the window. Outside, the moon is full, and there are no clouds to cover it. The sky is an endless expanse of inky black, spattered in stars. Jimmy pushes the window up, letting in the cool breeze from the late April air, and climbs onto the sill. He balances there for a breath, and then with practiced ease makes his way onto the roof.

Jimmy sits on the edge facing the backyard. Below him, people talk and laugh animatedly while they drink. He can see Charlie with Dorothy, curled up under the willow. Amelia, Lisa, and Cassie are all gossiping with their feet in the pool. Victor and Benny are with the rest of the football team, shoving each other around.

_See? They have plenty of fun without you. They don’t need you._

His chest aches. Jimmy pulls his legs up, wrapping his arms around them and resting his chin on his knees.

_You could disappear right now and they’d never know you were gone._

The patio is right below him, and about twenty feet away is the pool. He stares at the reflection of the moon in the water, mesmerized by the small waves made from the girls lazily kicking their feet.

_They wouldn’t even miss you._

Movement to the left startles Jimmy from his thoughts, and he watches as someone – Dean – grunts as he climbs onto the roof, then turns his attention back to the pool.

“Hey, Jimmy,” Dean says softly, and Jimmy hums in response. Dean seats himself next to Jimmy, hanging his legs over the edge. “What’s up, man? Why you sitting up here all by your lonesome?”

Jimmy’s lips quirk briefly. “Just needed some air,” he replies. _Lies, lies, lies._ “It was getting a bit crowded inside.”

“So you came up to the roof?” Dean nudges his shoulder. The leather of his jacket is soft and cool against Jimmy’s thin sweater. “I’ve been looking all over for ya. Thought you left.”

Jimmy raises an eyebrow and gives him a look. “I came with _you_ , you idiot. How could I have left?”

Dean grins and shrugs. “Hey, how would I know you didn’t decide to just walk home or something? I wouldn’t put it past you.”

Jimmy allows that, because he _has_ done it before. He turns back to staring out at the pool, Dean’s warmth beside him, and he wraps his arms around his legs again to keep from leaning into Dean. It probably wouldn’t be appreciated.

They sit in silence, listening to the muted sounds of their peers below them and the music from inside. The wind is chilly, and Jimmy shivers in his thin sweater, curling into himself as he continues to stare down at the pool.

_He wouldn’t care if you did._

“Would you miss me?” Jimmy asks quietly. His focus remains on the pool, but he can feel Dean’s eyes on him.

“What do you mean?” Dean’s voice is hesitant, concerned.

Jimmy stays silent for several breaths, staring off at nothing. “It’s weird how, even in a room full of people, crowded to bursting, you can still be completely alone. No one notices you, no one talks to you – not because they don’t like you or anything, but because they have other, more important people to talk to. To befriend. To hang out with. And so you’re alone.”

He can sense Dean turn to face him, giving him full attention. “Jimmy—”

“I’m tired, Dean,” Jimmy continues, voice faint. “I’m always tired. Most days, I don’t even know why I get out of bed, because I have no energy, no motivation. Everything is monotonous – get up, go to school, come home, do homework, go to bed. Rinse and repeat. And every day, it gets harder. Harder to get up, harder to go to school, harder to come home and do homework. The easiest part is going to bed, because it means I don’t have to be awake. I don’t have to be reminded that people don’t want me around.”

He lets a foot slide down to hang off the roof, dangling over the edge. Amelia, Lisa, and Cassie have moved from the pool and headed inside, so the water is still and empty.

 “I’ve thought about what it would be like if I just… didn’t exist anymore,” he admits. Dean’s breath hitches, but Jimmy forces himself not to think about what it could mean just yet. He needs to say this, needs to get it out. “What it’d be like to just not wake up, to sleep forever. For a while, I eyed the kitchen knives, but I didn’t think I could wait to bleed out before my mom or dad caught me. Pills were next, but again, they’d probably be too slow – someone would catch on too quick. Can’t get a gun. Too unmotivated for drowning. But maybe I could jump.”

The wind picks up, and Jimmy shivers again, only now aware of the tears on his cheeks. He wipes them away with a shaking hand. “So, I guess what I mean is: if I jumped, would you miss me?”

He counts to four in his head before arms wrap around him, and Dean is suddenly pulling them both away from the edge of the roof. Jimmy goes willingly, simply content to be surrounded by Dean’s warmth, and Dean pulls him close once he stops, tucking Jimmy’s head under his chin. They’re quiet for a long, long time, simply breathing together. Tears continue falling down Jimmy’s cheeks, and he knows Dean’s crying too as Dean’s tears fall into his hair.  

“There are only three people in this world that I bother to get up for,” Dean says quietly, finally breaking the silence. “Two of them are Sammy and Adam, and the other is you.” Leaning away, Dean tilts Jimmy’s head up to look him in the eye, and he’s overwhelmed by the plea he can see in Dean’s face. “I know I’m not much, but can I ask you to bother for me? If not for yourself, bother for me, okay? Because I don’t think I could bother to make something of myself if I didn’t have you to do it for.”  

Tears welling up, Jimmy nods – Dean is worth _so much,_ how could he think he’s not? – and buries his face against Dean’s chest. Dean holds him tightly and lets him cry, the wind still cold, the party still going on below them, oblivious to the two boys on the roof who have been stripped so raw with confessions they’d never thought they’d speak.

When his tears finally dry, Jimmy wipes his runny nose on his sleeve with a sniffle, pulling back to look at Dean with puffy eyes. He smiles a small, genuine smile. “I’m sorry I’m such a mess,” he says. “But… thank you. For listening. I think that helped a little.”

Dean smiles back, just a small one, and runs a hand through Jimmy’s hair. “You don’t have to be alone, Jimmy. I’m always here.”

Grin widening just slightly, Jimmy takes Dean’s hand, pulling him up. “I just may take you up on that.”

They head to the edge of the roof, above Charlie’s window, and carefully begin climbing back down. Dean helps Jimmy into the room, and, rolling their eyes at the shouts coming from downstairs – _“it’s time for Seven Minutes in Heaven, guys!”_  – they make their way back to the party.

Together.

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr: [leviathncas](http://deanjimmy.tumblr.com)


End file.
